Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Where's my heart?

Had lunch with an awesome friend the other day. Discussed numerous things, and one of the things he asked me was, "Where's your heart?". The context and meaning was, "So - how do you stand with God? What's going on with that part of your life? How come you aren't back in church?" This was not meant as a guilt thing, it was just a question. A general desire to know.

That is the cool thing about good friends and part of what I feel it means for "iron to sharpen iron". Keeps you on track. Makes you reflect. All good stuff.

So - in case anyone cares - or just because this is what I do sometimes - journal stuff, here is basically what I said.

God and I are good. Christians and I are good. The church "Jesus' bride" are good. Me and the church as an organization - kind of whatever.

I don't miss church at all. I kind of did at Easter. After all - for so many years Easter was pretty consuming. Doing much practice to put some kind of program together. And not just "a program" - but truely meaningful, you can feel God's presence, impact the people, kind of stuff. So not doing any of that was - just kind of weird.

But on a Sunday to Sunday basis - nope, don't miss it at all.

What I really miss is *worship*. And we all have our quirks and what we like and all that stuff. And for me, what "works" - what makes me feel God's presence, is passionate, go with the flow, follow the Holy Spirit, slamming worship. The kind where Teresa's sax or Bobby's guitar just goes off and Greg's bass follows it, and I've heard it before it even started, and you can feel it in the pit of your stomach and you know its coming, and you just can't stand still - so if you are playing percussion you jump, and if you are drumming you start rocking and playing across the symbols - and then you feel it and it all goes quite all of a sudden and everything comes down - and then it swells again - and you just feel His presense and here His voice - and stuff happens... and then its been 30 minutes or an hour and you didn't even know time passed.

Yeah... I really miss that. And so much of me doesn't believe I can find that in "church" - and perhaps part of me is afraid to even look.

But my heart is ok... and I don't "mind" visiting a church... and "worship" is ok... and I'm really busy at work doing really cool stuff.

But I do miss it.


Anonymous said...

Your "friend" is what a true friend is. THey worry, pray and think about you. What a treasure. You did a great job of describing your heart. The spirit will draw you, you know where you are called. It will be amazing and anyone who let you or Teresa or Greg or Bobby go has lost a great gift. WHat a pity. Good thing God is bigger and always has plan B for those who seek him. Really encouraging, thanks

Anonymous said...

That is very interesting, these people who you are talking about didnt go with you on these worship highs, most of the time you were all by yourself. They played because they were suposed too!